Are You a Toxic Friend?
Answer These Questions – To Find Out.
On May 18th of, 2022, I wrote this in my journal:
I always found myself bending backward for one-sided friendships.
I gave and gave because I have a giver's heart.
I don't give up easily because I'm loyal –
but how far should that loyalty take me?
Should I let it drain me just to prove that I'm always there?
That has been my biggest struggle –
knowing when a friendship was no longer a friendship.
I would still hold on because I wanted to keep them around.
But keep them around for what?
If there was no longer a relationship.
I had to learn to take the memories and walk away.
Learn when that friendship's term came to an end.
However, I'll always love them and wish them to best!
I've written about friendships before, the value of them, and if friendship breakups are harder than romantic breakups because friendships are an important aspect of our lives.
The Bible tells us how important community is; we are wired and built for relationships. However, we need to know when a friendship isn't valuable to us and does more harm than good.
Here are three questions to ask yourself to know if you are a toxic friend.
1. Do You Take Things Personally Every Time Things Don't Work Out?
Let's say you are planning a birthday party for your kid, and one of your friends, last minute, says they cannot make it; they don't tell you why; they just text they can't make it. How do you feel?
Do you get upset with them? Do you worry you may have done something wrong? Or do you brush it off and not give it too much thought?
Let's say you planned a girl's night out, and one of your friends canceled the day before. How does that make you feel? How will you act toward her the next time you see her? Shady? Are you no longer going to respond to her text messages when she texts you?
In the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, the second agreement is "Don't take things personally," Don Miguel wrote, "Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in."
After I read this book – I never took anything personally again.
2. Do You Communicate When You're Upset With Your Friend?
If something happened between you and a friend and you were feeling some type of way towards them – how do you handle that? Do you talk to them and express your feelings and why you felt that way, or do you ignore them, cut them off, and never talk to them again?
If you do the second one – you're toxic. Plain and simple.
99.9% of problems are solved through honest and healthy communication. And 99.9% of problems are caused by miscommunication or lack of communication. There is a saying in Spanish that goes, "Hablando es que se entiende la gente." Translation: "Talking is how people understand each other."
If you communicate with your friend your point of view and they communicate theirs – you can come to a mutual understanding and move forward with your friendship, but if not, the friendship will end. And none of your friendship will last because you don't communicate.
3. Do You Give In to the Friendship, or Do You Only Take?
I'm a giver; I pour into friendships, check up on my people, pray for my friends, and when I can help, I'll help! It has taken me a while to learn when friendships have been one-sided when I'm being taken advantage of, but I want you to reflect on your friendships and ask yourself – do you give as much as you receive in the friendships?
Do you call your friends to check up on them or only when you need something? Are you reliable to them, or do you always make excuses? Do you make situations about yourself, or do you listen to their concerns? What do you think you contribute to your friendships?
These are all good reflection questions for you to answer honestly. If you've realized you can do some work in your friendships, you can start today but sending your friends a random text message telling them how much you appreciate them and that you are happy they are in your life.
It's the little things.
With Love, Heidy
P.S. I want to know if you've ever been in a toxic friendship – how did you end it?