I Thought About Killing Myself
A Poem
I thought about killing myself.
More than once.
I thought about how I would do it, where I would do it, and when.
I thought about how life would just continue on without me.
The world will still spin, people will move on.
I thought no one would miss me.
No one would notice I was gone.
The first time, I was sixteen.
The second time, I was twenty.
The third time was twenty-three.
There was a dark cloud over me - fog all over.
That wouldn’t go away.
There was no light. No hope. No future.
I wanted to end the pain.
End the burden.
End the heaviness.
End the tears.
The loneliness.
Being alone scared me, but even when I was with people, the loneliness was still there.
So, I thought, what was the point of my suffering - it would be better to make it stop.
By ending my life.
But as I was sitting on my bed.
Crying.
I thought - my daughter would be the one to find me.
What trauma.
I didn’t want to scar her.
Then I thought, it wouldn’t be fair to leave her motherless.
What would happen to her?
So, I started to pray.
Once again, my daughter saved my life more than once she still has no idea.
I thought about killing myself - but today, I’m glad I didn’t.
If you are feeling suicidal or in emotional distress - please dial 988; a professional is available to talk. Or reach out to a trusted person. Please know that those around you truly care for you. If you’d like to send me a private message, I am available - heidy@heidydelacruz.com
If while reading this, someone comes to mind, text them. Check up on your loved ones. A random “thinking of you - how are you?” text can mean the world to someone.
With Love, Heidy