Navigating the Line Between Giving What You Didn't Have While Teaching What You Did
This past weekend, I visited Nashville for the Behold Women Gathering, a Christian women’s conference. I also ate great food and visited a historic house that was monumental in the Battle of Franklin. I’ll share more about this conference in a later post because today, I want to discuss a dilemma I feel this generation of parents is facing.
Where's the balance between giving your children what you didn't have and teaching them discipline and responsibilities? This question comes from my parenting experience with my daughter. She is 11 years old, and I want her to earn things. I don’t want to just buy them for her because I can, but I also want to provide her with things that I didn’t have growing up.
My Childhood Vs. My Daughters
For example, I started working at the age of fourteen, and I was able to pay for my own phone, pay for my own nails, faithfully every two weeks, and go back to school shopping. My father had a work injury of his back and hasn’t been able to work since, and there was a period when we were just a one-income household.
This is not the case for my daughter, who lives in a two-income household. I’ve gone back and forth between wanting her to work if she wants to (when she’s of age) and want her to enjoy her youth, create memories, etc., and not have to worry about working until after she graduates from college.
But then I think about how I don’t want to raise an entitled brat who doesn’t appreciate things or hard work and thinks that things are given to her because that’s not how real life works. So currently, she does a few chores around the house, and this is for her to learn responsibilities. She is responsible for dusting around the house, cleaning her room, folding, and putting away her laundry. Although these are minor chores around the house, of course, like any kid, she complains.
Responsibilities For My Daughter
I’m big on education, so I tell her I’d love for her to always get straight As. Every time her report card reflects this, I ask her what reward she would like. Last week, we went to Menchie’s to eat frozen yogurt because that was the reward she wanted.
When my dad was able to work, I remember him buying me all the things I would ask him for, and I felt somewhat entitled. So, when he was not able to work, it was a huge shift.
Discipline and responsibility matter because they will help her when she gets older and lives independently. I want her to understand that everything in life is earned, nothing is just automatically given. And the role of structure and responsibility will help shape her independence and help her become a well-adjusted adult.
So What is The Balance?
I’m going to be honest: since I’m still struggling with this, I actually asked ChatGPT to help me come up with some solutions. Who knew AI would help with parenting? Here is what it said:
Teach gratitude alongside giving.
We can encourage appreciation through conversations, gratitude journals, or volunteering. I always tell my daughter about my childhood to try to get her to understand what I’m trying to teach her. I’ve only taken her to a pregnancy center to volunteer, and I should look for more opportunities for us to volunteer together.
Set boundaries on material rewards to emphasize effort over entitlement. I think I do this with her school grades. And there are definitely consequences for her actions that are not acceptable. Mostly, it’s taking away her iPad because that’s what she mostly likes playing with.
Make Responsibilities a Non-Negotiable Part of Life
Assign age-appropriate chores, even in a privileged environment. Well, I already mentioned her chores; I should probably add putting the dishes in the dishwasher to her list.
Teach financial literacy (earning, saving, and spending wisely). This suggestion is great! And it’s something I actually already do. She loves to ask us about our budget and how much we spend on things, and when she asks if we can buy something for her, and I tell her it’s not in our budget this time, she understands.
Let Them Experience Struggles in a Controlled Environment
Resist the urge to fix every problem for them. Since my daughter is only 11, she hasn’t had many problems for me to fix. But I’m sure that as she ages and issues arise, I will have to fight the urge to fix everything for her. I’ll need to lead her to the solution or ask her what she thinks is the best way to approach the problem.
Parent with Intentionality
Lead by example: Demonstrate gratitude, hard work, and resilience. I do demonstrate these. Every morning, she and I pray together in the car on our way to school, and I start the prayer with a gratitude list. She sees me work on my 9t5 and my podcast. I know that the way I handle adversities sets an example for her, and I try my best to be a good example. However, I am human, and I’m learning myself.
Create a family culture that balances love, discipline, and responsibility. Yes, ChatGPT, this is a great suggestion, and it’s precisely what I’m trying to balance. I love her so much and tell her all the time. I also tell her that everything I do is always for her good. And I hope that as she gets older, she understands that.
What Are Your Suggestions?
ChatGPT gave great suggestions, but I’d love to hear from you. How do you balance giving your children what you didn’t have and teaching responsibility? Let me know.
Thank you for being here! :)
With Love, Heidy