Some Pictures Are Painful To Look At

As I searched for pictures for my branding journey article, which will be published next week, I came across this picture.

And I was immediately transported back to this time in my life. I vividly remember the emotional pain I was feeling and the betrayal I discovered, but it was also accompanied by mixed feelings because I had just been promoted at work - which felt like an all-too-common theme in my life, having to carry sorrow and joy simultaneously. Let me explain what was happening.

A week or so before this picture was taken, I had discovered a video which confirmed what I had already thought was happening, but couldn’t bring myself to believe, that there was infidelity in my marriage. The video served as physical evidence of what everyone already knew. It was a punch in the throat and stomach, and broke me to pieces.

Too many times over the years, I had seen inappropriate messages and pictures, which is considered infidelity, too. Still, it wasn’t physical so, I would justify it over and over again. “It’s just messages.” I would tell myself. “Those girls mean nothing, I’m with you.” He would tell me. And over and over, the cycle went on for years. Creating more insecurities, more triggers, more lies, and more blame on myself.

A few days after the discovery, it was announced that I would be moving to a different role within the company I was at. It was exciting because it was a promotion, I would be moving to a different department, and honestly, it was the first time I had ever experienced a promotion in my career, as I was fairly new to corporate America.

Let me add more, because there is always more. This was also around the time when we were going to be celebrating our dating anniversary.

This picture was taken at Olive Garden. I told him we could go out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but that was it. We weren’t celebrating our anniversary or anything else because I was extremely hurt and wasn’t sure where our marriage stood.

After taking the picture, I made it my Facebook profile picture, and the caption read, “Broken Beautifully.” No one knew the depth of the pain I was in, and the comments all mentioned how beautiful I looked in the picture.

As I read the comments, I felt a sense of being fake, hurt, and thought, “So much can be hidden with make-up and a smile.” But when I look at that photo now, I see it. I wasn’t really smiling. My eyes were sad—so incredibly sad. And when I came across it a few weeks ago, all the memories resurfaced.

Through therapy, I’ve started peeling back the layers—understanding how much our childhoods and relationships shape our adult lives. How we react. What we tolerate. Whether we set boundaries. And because I struggled with self-esteem in my early years, I tolerated a lot. Too much, honestly. But back then, I thought—deep down—that it’s what I deserved.

As I’ve been working through my traumas with my therapist, I’ve learned how much our childhood and relationships play a significant role in our adult lives. How you react to certain things, if you’re able to establish healthy boundaries, and what you tolerate from others, etc. And because of my lack of self-esteem in my early years, I tolerated a lot. Too much, if you ask me now, but it was what I thought, subconsciously, that I deserved.

Uncovering layers, upon layers of trauma, and how events are interrelated and intertwined in my mind has been a lot of work and emotionally draining, and exhausting. But I’m not hiding behind “That’s just how I am” anymore.

I’m not my past. I’m not a victim.

I am choosing to heal—not just for me, but for my children. They deserve a mother who is healing, happy, and thriving. So that they, too, can thrive.

With Love, Heidy

P.S. This article would have been for my paid subscribers, but I recently turned off paid subscriptions.