When People Hear “Spouse First” They Think “Neglect Children”
But Here's Why That's Not The Case
The topic of whether your marriage or your children come first is always a hot one because either way, the person feels passionate about it. I’ve seen this topic come up on social media for years, and comments from both sides defending their opinion. Ultimately, one has to do what is best for one's family, whether believing that your children come before your marriage or vice versa. And when one marries, one should marry someone who believes the same because the marriage won’t work if one partner is prioritizing the children and the other the marriage.
A few weeks ago, I came across an article from Simi Psychological Group which provided three reasons why your marriage should be prioritized over your kids and I found it very insightful.
In her article, Donna Novak, Psy.D., emphasizes the importance of prioritizing your marriage over your children to foster a healthy family dynamic. She outlines three key reasons: (1) A connected marriage enhances parenting by providing mutual support. (2) Personal growth flourishes when couples focus on each other, leading to a more balanced life. (3) Finally, after children grow up, your partner will remain, making it crucial to nurture that relationship long-term.
3 Reasons Why Your Marriage Should Be Prioritized Over Your Kids.
When writing my notes for this article, I had similar thoughts. First, I realized that when people hear or read that your spouse should come before your children, they automatically think it means neglecting your children, but that’s not the case at all. It’s about making sure that you are prioritizing your marriage—meaning that you and your partner are connected, creating and nurturing your material bond. And that may look different in every marriage. But the bottom line is that a strong marriage bond will show a healthy marriage example to the children. And I’m a firm believer in happy parents = happy children.
I mean, think about it - if parents are constantly stressed, bickering, and fighting, this doesn’t create a safe and loving environment for the children. And trust me, I’ve been there - it’s not fun hearing or seeing your parents fight - it creates so much tension and anxiety in the kids. As parents, it's our responsibility to create a safe and loving environment for our children, and that starts with a strong and connected marriage.
The article does an excellent job of providing an example of what a marriage may look like after children because, yes, children do take up a lot of time and energy—parenting is hard. However, you and your spouse should be partners in parenting and should be on the same page about how to raise your children. You should also be on the same page about running the household because when making decisions about the family, you’ll make them with your partner, not the children.
Lastly, children will eventually grow up, leave the house, and maybe have a family of their own. When that happens, it’s just you and your spouse, and if you’ve neglected your marriage all these years, there won’t be a marriage left. You’ll look at your spouse and not even know who they are or realize that you’ve been living separate lives all these years.
Have you heard of The Empty Nest Syndrome? The divorce mag says it is - “a sadness or emotional distress that will affect parents whose children have grown up and left home.”
And there are several reasons why The Empty Nest Syndrome can lead to divorce, according to Detorres & Degeorge Family Law Attorneys:
“The marriage was neglected. Many parents are so focused on their children’s lives that they forgot their own. Marriages do require romance. After all, that’s how your children were born in the first place. Marriages require paying attention to your spouse’s needs, wants, and goals. If these items aren’t part of a couple’s daily routine when the kids are young, it can be hard to address them when the children are gone. It can be hard to get to know your partner after 18 years of marital neglect and it can lead to empty nest syndrome and divorce.
Different perspectives on the empty nest. One parent may see the empty nest time as a chance to start new hobbies, to enjoy travel, and other things they may have put off. The other parent may just feel lonely because the children aren’t home.
Concern about the children. It’s natural to be concerned about your children’s education, career, and social life. Too much anxiety and worry can prevent a parent from focusing on his/her spouse and can lead to empty nest syndrome and divorce.”
This is one of the reasons why the divorce rates have more than doubled in the past few decades for empty nestors. Many couples wait for their children to move before they divorce because once the children are out, they feel disconnected.
AARP provided an example in their article that said: Dan Tricarico realized in the summer of 2019 that he and his wife were living separate lives once their two daughters moved out. They were more focused on raising their daughters than connecting, and he decided to end the 24-year marriage. He is quoted as saying that he didn’t think his marriage was a mistake and always thought of himself as a married-for-life type of guy, but sometimes life takes you in a different direction, and you have different priorities than your spouse.
Again, as I said before, everyone should do what works best for their family, but if you’re not prioritizing your marriage before your children, you may not have a marriage after them.
Of course, I’d love to hear your thoughts about this hot topic. Leave them in the comments, or you can message me directly. Please be kind! :)
With Love, Heidy
P.S. If you need a copywriter for writing services or are looking to launch a podcast – let’s get in touch; I want to create with you!
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So true.. the faces that one gets